NOT my 1st Mother's Day

But it sure feels different.

In the past, hubby and I have not exchanged gifts for Mother's or Father's Day but have acknowledged each other and spent some time talking about our angels.

This year, our beautiful rainbow baby girl is here and hubby has picked out a gift and card from both of them. I am looking forward to spending Mother's Day with my little family.

What I'm dreading are the comments regarding my "First Mother's Day" and how to handle them. I want to try to keep it simple, something like, "Thank you, but this isn't my first." People might be upset or feel awkward, but as a lovely mother on the PALS Parenting after loss forum wrote, acknowledging our angels is more important than their mometary awkwardness.

Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely mothers out there x

Mother's Day

To all the beautiful mamas facing another Mother's Day without the ones they love, I see you x

International Bereaved Mother's Day

I am still not sure how I feel about this day. I love that there is a day to acknowledge mothers who live without their children, but it also feel a little bit like by giving us a day of our own people are saying that we are not 'real' mothers and don't deserve to be celebrated on Mother's Day.

To those reading this blog who are grieving the loss of their children, know that I see you and celebrate you.

Bron x

My first Mother's Day

How do you even approach Mother's Day when you have lost a child?

What do you say when someone asks you if you have any kids?

How do you react when there are people in your life who don't see you as a mother?

These are things I had never even considered until last year.

One thing I am doing is making sure I talk about it, because there are so many women who live with this experience and face it alone. It's not much, but at least I can say something and hope that someone will hear.

I used to think I would never acknowledge Mother's Day until I had a baby in my arms. Even when I worked out dates with my second pregnancy and saw that I would be due just after Mother's Day. I though, "Oh well, I'll wait till the next year for my first Mother's Day." I'm also ashamed now to say that I felt the same way about Father's Day and didn't even acknowledge my husband as a father last year. In fact, the first time anyone called him "Dad"was the ultrasound tech who confirmed our second miscarriage. That still breaks my heart.

I feel much differently now. I know that I am a mother to babies I will never meet, and that my hubby is father to them. I know that as long as we acknowledge that, it really doesn't matter what other people think. I received messages on Mother's Day from four very special ladies and that meant the world to me. I had already told hubby I didn't want a fuss, just a hug and an acknowledgement of the day, and he was more than happy with that. I just hope that when the time comes people show him that same support.

I'm still stumped on the right way to answer "Do you have kids?'' I want to say yes, but I don't want to have to explain that none of them are living. So I say no. I guess it's because I don't want people thinking or even worse, saying, I am not really a mother.

As silly as it may sound, it was watching "The Fault in Our Stars" that really got me thinking about all this. There is one point when the main character overhears her mother saying that if her daughter dies she wont be a mum any more. She later confronts her and her mother replies that she will always be her mother, no matter what happens. That really stuck with me.

I will always be a mother to my angel babies. I hope one day I'll be able to say that to anyone who asks.