Expectant miscarriage

Maybe I am just weak. I feel completely drained and exhausted and today is the first day in a week that I haven't taken any painkillers (yet).

After my scan last Wednesday hubby came home and we had a long talk about what do do next, waiting, medication or d&c. He was very reluctant to have any input, as he said I was the one who would ultimately have to go through it, but I felt that even if I was to make the final decision it was important that I knew his feelings about it.

We decided that I would ring the clinic the following day to schedule a d&c and ask about testing for our baby. Somehow we got on to the point of whether or not they would be able to tell us the sex of the baby, and if they could did we want to know.  I was really torn, but hubby said that as we didn't know for any of the others, it didn't feel right to make this baby any different. I understand that, and then he said that it would be too much for him to know and make it too hard to cope with, making it more real.

A little less than an hour after this highly emotional conversation I started bleeding. The decision was out of our hands. I had a little pain but not much more bleeding and slept with some kind of peace knowing that things were happening. 

The following morning there wasn't much bleeding and the day passed ok. That night the pain started building to the point where I was shaking and vomiting and hubby called the nurse on call. She told us to head to Emergency and so we did.

I didn't have to wait long, I must have looked a right mess, and they started with all their tests and so on. Soon after I arrived I passed 4 or 5 really large clots and I just couldn't look, even though they kept asking me how much I had passed. I know baby was only 1.5cm but I just couldn't take the chance of seeing something. Almost as heartbreaking as the thought of flushing our baby down the toilet and the thought of it all, and the previous four times, makes me feel sick still.

 They asked what pain relief I had been prescribed when I chose to wait and were shocked to hear that I had been told to expect a 'heavy period' and that panadol and a hot water bottle should do the trick. I already knew from past experience that it would be painful, but what I was experiencing then was almost unimaginable. All the monitoring they were doing showed that far from normal period cramps, I was experiencing contractions as my body tried to birth my baby. 

They were also concerned about my blood pressure which was crazy (most likely from the pain they said) and my white cell count which was above the normal range indicating that my body was fighting some kind of infection. Eventually, an internal examination (super painful) showed that my cervix was still open and nothing was blocking it, the pain was managed, my blood pressure came down and I was given my antiD and sent on my way.

That night and the next day are a bit of a haze of pain and painkillers and it slowly got more manageable. The last few days were nothing more than one or two episodes of cramps and heavy bleeding a day. By the following Tuesday a scan showed that everything has passed and my WCC had dropped right down to 6.

Physically, it was over in 6 days after we found out. Emotionally, only time will tell.