11 Weeks

11w1d...amazing.

I am still not convinced that the scan tomorrow will go well and I am getting a little tired of people (GP and hubby) trying to calm me. I don't really need reassurances, I need to be allowed to explain how I am feeling and what I am thinking.

I also feel a little like my anxiety is just being explained away as a result of our past losses, rather than being offered any help or ideas for how to cope with it. I tried to explain to my GP yesterday that I was having trouble sleeping and that I just can't imagine that everything will be ok tomorrow, and she just said, "Well, you know that from past experience."

This is once huge area where I feel I've been let down repeatedly. My first GP who knew I had a history of depression didn't even mention anything after our first loss. After our second I had to ask her about seeing someone. Our new GP seems to think that because I can talk about it, I can handle it. Even when we were sitting in the hospital this year, just having found out that our baby had no heartbeat and being asked how we wanted to proceed, no one even offered us a piece of paper with support services listed, and how hard could that be?

I keep trying to tell myself that everything seems to be going well. I have had no real cramping and no spotting or bleeding. When I say no real cramping, I have had some weird stretching/pressure pains low down in my pelvis and from what I could explain my physio seems to think that it's pelvic girdle pain. I have still been feeling super tired, partly from not sleeping well and also because I haven't had my normal mid-afternoon nap the last couple of days - to try and help me sleep at night! My always low level nausea flared up for a couple of days but has died right down again, as long as I eat at least something small every couple of hours I am ok. My skin is going dry, something I have never had in all my life. Other than that I am increasingly forgetful (I put it down to fatigue) and emotional. The last ridiculous thing I got teary over was an old episode of Stargate!

I just want to stop analyzing everything but I also know that this isn't likely. I'll go to the scan tomorrow and if everything is fine, I'll be ok for a couple of days and then I'll start worrying about what we'll see on the next scan.