Gender Prediction

I have posted before about gender prediction. I haven't really thought about it much this time around, what they say about just wanting a healthy baby regardless of gender is especially true for us.

However, the last couple of days I have been having really vivid dreams. They have all been different, and some not too pleasant, but in each of them our baby is a boy. And sometimes joined by a twin sister. But there is always a boy.

So I pulled out the gender prediction chart and it says boy. A variety of other quizzes, predictors and old wives tales also seem to point to boy (it's a bit too early for some of them though!).

Only time will tell. We're still planning on having the harmony test done at 10 weeks, I already have the referral form from my doctor. Still, it's a little bit of fun to think about the 'What if?'

Honestly!

The story of this early pregnancy seems to be spotting. During the 6th week, it was once every two or three days. During the last week, it's been once every day. I've called the early pregnancy clinic and seen my doctor and they all say the same thing. It's so little, and so light, that there's nothing to worry about. I'm not having any cramping, there's no blood coming through, so just wait and see.

I thought last week was hard with no tests in between the scans. This week has been almost impossible! I've even been having 'ovulation' pains, right on cue for my next AF... even though I'm pregnant. This has got me wondering (worrying) that I'll have some real bleeding around the time AF would normally be due and just the thought of that gets my heart racing.

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Due to the spotting, the anxiety, headaches and insomnia my doctor has recommended rest except when working (and only then because I am behind a desk this year, not in class) between now and the holidays. I had to explain this to my principal, at the same time as actually telling him I was pregnant. This was tricky, as he's not the most understanding of our situation. For example, when he asked how far along I was, he then said, 'Oh. Most people wouldn't even know they're pregnant yet.' Really? Honestly? Some people, maybe. But most? Not notice that their period was 3 weeks late? If you say so.

It's really discouraging. He's not the first person who has said this to me. What is the point. Are you trying to say I shouldn't worry about losing my baby because some other person wouldn't even know they were expecting?

I'm also getting a lot of, 'Don't worry. Be positive. It's all in the mind. Good vibes only.' I know it is important to be positive, just for my own sanity, but what good is telling me this when I am trying to explain to you the impact of my anxiety? It sounds to me like you are basically saying if anything goes wrong it'll be my fault for not being positive enough. Bollocks.

I'm really lucky to be surrounded by a few very special people who check in on me every now and then and ASK how I am doing, without telling me what to think or feel. This is the support I need and appreciate the most.

We've got ourselves a fighter!

To get the best and most wonderful news out of the way first, our little baby is growing perfectly and we saw its tiny heartbeat for the first time. So amazing. Such a miracle.

Now to how we got there...

For the third week in a row the clinic messed up our appointment. This time they actually had us booked in (makes a change) but had us booked for the normal antenatal clinic, not the specialist early pregnancy clinic.

This meant not only sitting in a room full of hugely pregnant bellies not even knowing if our babe was still there (and lots of tears on my part due to the extreme anxiety of it all) but it also meant waiting three HOURS for an appointment that we should have waited no more than 30 minutes for.

When we were finally called in, the specialist asked what I was there for. I know they have so many patients to see, but considering that our last appointment with him lead to the week from hell it was a little hard to hear. I explained. He asked me how the week had been and I told him I'd had a little spotting on a couple of days and he just nodded his head as if confirming his diagnosis. I was shaking like a leaf by this stage. He then suggested we head over for the scan to 'confirm things' and go from there.

In the end we had to wait another 30 minutes or so and then the lovely midwife who we had seen two weeks ago came to see how we were doing. She asked us to fill her in on all that had happened and was very understanding. Then the specialist flew in, poked around with the probe causing quite a lot of pain, looked at the monitor and said 'fetal heart.' He turned the screen around and there for the first time we saw our little baby and the oh so tiny flicker of it's rapidly beating heart. I must have let out a terrible sound, I know I was sobbing like mad, because the midwife came running back in, then looked at the screen and grabbed my knee and said something encouraging. I have no idea, all I remember was squeezing hubby's hand so tight, and seeing the enormous grin on his face, before turning back to the screen. I didn't take my eyes off it again until the scan was done.

Baby was measuring 6 weeks 3 days (according to the single measurement he did, still not convinced it was 100% accurate) which is about 2 or 3 days behind where I thought we were, SO much better than the two WEEKS behind we were told last week. The tiny little heart registered 123bmp.

Now we wait for next week. In the meantime, I have baby's first photo to stare at in amazement.

Cravings, anxiety, and the seventh week

Cravings:
My appetite is all but gone, in part due to nausea and in part anxiety. I try to make myself eat at least 3 times a day and I have only stopped a meal to be sick once (yay!), but other than that the thought of eating actually make me feel even more sick. I run though the list in my head of what's available and fight the nausea that comes with each suggestion.

I'm finding it pretty hard to eat anything cold, so all my lovely salad veggies are going to waste. Toast is ok, usually just with butter and vegemite, but is a once a day thing for me. I could eat chicken nuggets all day, that is the closest thing I have to an actual food craving, so I just make sure not to buy them.

Other than that, I'm craving ice.I have read that this is considered a form of pica but I'm choosing not to think of it that way! I have always liked crunching on the occasional glass of ice, now I just do it more often. It's also said to point to iron deficiency, which is possible, but my last results were fine and the prenatal vitamin I have been taking for the last 2 years has the full daily dose.

If chicken nuggets and ice are as far as these cravings go, I'll be happy!

Anxiety:
I know this wont go away any time soon, and I am trying to find ways to deal with it. It probably doesn't help that I am off work this week with a bad pain in my upper back, meaning I have a bit of extra time on my hands!

Following our scan earlier this week I am finding it a little harder to keep at bay. I know that if things are not progressing as normal, blighted ovum is the most likely explanation. That's really difficult. How do I bond with a baby that might not be there? Especially when trying to bond with a baby I might lose is already hard enough?

I also had a little spotting following the internal ultrasound, which is normal, but still had me waiting for it to stop. I'm still running to the toilet to check for spotting or bleeding, but I am getting better at stretching out the times in between.

I still find it incredibly hard to even think about telling people I am pregnant. On the one hand, I don't want to be congratulated on a pregnancy that might not last. On the other, I want this baby to be acknowledged. We have only told immediate family, one very special friend, and (unfortunately) our bosses. I keep thinking to the next milestone, e.g. if I make it to the next scan then I might tell... Afterall, there are people who will need to know if something goes wrong, and I hate having to tell people that I have miscarried before they even know I am pregnant.

In the meantime, I have 4 days to wait until our next scan. I am filled with so much dread at the thought, not only of seeing that baby hasn't grown, but at having to deal with that doctor again. I rang the hospital to ask if I could be seen by another doctor, apparently he's the only specialist there in this area. The clinic manager did say that she wants me to stop in after our appointment and if I am still not happy she is going to refer me to the Royal Women's, so that's something to think about.

Now, to distract myself on instagram for a while...

Something for the dads

One thing hubby comments on quite a lot is the way he gets ignored by doctors and nurses when we have our appointments.

Whether it's follow up testing after miscarriages, or an ultrasound to check on our baby, he's almost always overlooked and excluded from the conversation.

He asks me questions later about things he heard but didn't understand and I've encouraged him to ask questions if he has them, because he might think of something that I don't. But in general it's very true, one doctor doesn't even really acknowledge that he's even in the room.

I know every couple and situation is different, but in our experience, hubby is very involved in each pregnancy right from the beginning (this time it was even him asking me to POAS to check if I was pregnant!). How hard is it really to look at a man and ask, "Do you have any questions?"

It is important to me that hubby feels supported and as much a part of this pregnancy as I am. I don't know exactly how to do that, but I'm going to make a really conscious effort from now on. If the doctors won't ask him, I will, while we are still there.

He's also found that people are much less understanding of his feelings regarding our losses, and just expect him to 'get on with it.' Admittedly, he finds it easier to keep to his normal routine as it helps him to settle his mind, but that doesn't mean he isn't impacted. Even now, when people find out we have another baby on the way, the first questions he's asked are always about me.

When it comes to work, it's just the same. I have been told to take all the time I need for scans and appointments, and to let them know if I can't come in after a scan. Hubby on the other hand is being mucked around and made to feel like he is wasting people's time trying to find someone to cover for him so he can attend our scans. He didn't even dare try to come to the follow up GP appointment. He's asked to have regular cover, or to have his day off changed (with approval from his area manager) but his boss is trying to make him take sick leave - which he shouldn't have to when there are so many other choices!

I've bought him a special pregnancy book for dads, by dads, which I was going to give after the scan yesterday, but given how that went I think I'll hold off until the next one.