Nursery - Part One

So we have been very brave and finally begun the process of transforming my office into a nursery. The first thing we decided to do was paint, to make sure there were no fumes. We are painting the whole house, hubby hopes to be finished before our little one arrives.

New blinds and new flooring next, and then I'll start thinking out furniture. We have it delivered, I just don't know if I am quite brave enough yet to put it all together!

29 weeks

Our little pumpkin is wriggling away as I write. She moves almost constantly now, with little rest breaks throughout the day. I love every moment of it.

I have had a few moments of panic when my schedule has changed (getting up earlier for appointments) and so I haven't felt her move at the same times. I have used the doppler a couple of times, mostly because I know it gets her moving! If I was to hear her heartbeat but still no movement I'd be calling the hospital immediately.

My 28 week appointment was a total disaster. I know I have mentioned before how much I hate this hospital and my desire not to have to go there every again... just when I think it'll be ok I have another terrible appointment.

I managed not to cry until I got to the hospital, usually the anxiety of going there was me in a wreck before I even get in the car to drive there. I had the antiD injection, routine enough, then waited to see the doctor. Not a long wait which was nice, but then I got a lecture about not having my scans at the hospital as he couldn't find the results. I told him that at the last appointment the doctor had rung the clinic who had faxed the results immediately. He told me rather than that I should just come back in two weeks. He then took my blood pressure, measured the size of my bump with his hands and that was it. I asked him if he wanted to test my sample, he took it but didn't test it. I asked him if he wanted to look at my xrays to talk about my back injury and delivery options, he said no and that was it. I was a bit upset and shocked by how quick and abrupt the appointment was, and when I got to the desk to book the follow up and was told they couldn't fit me in, I broke down.

I understand it is not the receptionists fault, and I made sure to tell her that, it was just that I'd been told if the scans showed anything I would be sent for two weekly checks, and now here I was coming back in two weeks without the last scan being checked and something could have been picked up that would be too late by then... I couldn't get my head around it. Then to be told that I would just have to wait and see if there was a cancellation, was just too much.

I came home and hubby was angry to see how upset I was. He looked in my notes and saw that besides the antiD, nothing had been done or discussed that was set for the 28 week appointment. He rang the hospital to complain and was put through to their customer experience department who were at lunch. He then rang the clinic where we had our scans to see if they could email them to us, which they were more than happy to do... but their computers were down. So he then rand to ask to speak to my GP. We knew that she wouldn't be able to discuss the scan fully over the phone, all we wanted to know was if anything had come up that needed to be followed up sooner rather than later. Thankfully, she told us that everything in the conclusions report was 'normal' which was wonderful to hear.

I have since been to the maternal psychologist and before I left, she made a point to tell me that she thinks all our experiences at the hospital should be reported and we should make an official complaint. It was nice to know that I wasn't overreacting!

I've had a terrible head cold which has had my blood glucose numbers all over the place and my diabetes educator has increased my insulin accordingly. She felt that even if the high numbers were just due to illness, the demand for insulin on my body was only going to get higher and that I had done well to be on such a low dose for such a long time.

I have a follow up progesterone test on Monday to see what impact dropping my 400mg midday dosage has had - that'll be the next thing to keep me awake at night. Before gearing up for another hospital appointment on Friday!

27 Weeks

Some of these vegetable sizes really don't mean anything to me! I know how big a cauliflower is, I also know that my baby is bigger than that!

I hadn't realised that a month had passed since my last post. It has been a tricky month. Four weeks between scans, and I made it to the end without too much panic. We have also gone through a few painful anniversaries and the observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and the Wave of Light. All of these events have brought their own painful memories and reminders that there aren't really a lot of people standing with us in our loss.

Well, perhaps that isn't fair. I know everyone has such busy lives and troubles and concerns of their own. I know that I also haven't been the most supportive friend in the last couple of years as I have struggled just to hold myself together, much less be a support to anyone else.  And I haven't directly reached out for help so I suppose I can't expect too much. At the same time, on October 15th, my feed was flooded with images of people lighting candles in honour of their nieces, nephews, grandchildren and children of their friends. I received one message of a lighted candle and it honestly almost made me feel worse, as though the person was ashamed to post it publicly. Probably the ramblings of a grieving yet hormonal pregnant woman!

We are also coming up to the due date of the little one we lost at the beginning of the year. In truth, knowing we were looking at a 38 week arrival at the latest, we would already have that little bundle in our arms. Still can't get my head around the fact that if that baby had survived I wouldn't be carrying the little girl I am so in love with now. I just avoid thinking about it too much, because I don't think it is something that will ever make sense.

Our little girl is doing wonderfully. We had our 28 week scan yesterday and everything was perfect. She's measuring long, but not too big at the moment, which is a blessing considering my gestational diabetes. We even saw her perfect little face on a brief 3D scan, and she gave us a little smile. She's super active and feeling all those little kicks and rolls is such a wondrous feeling.

I am also doing better than I was a few weeks ago. Not working is doing wonders for my back and nerve pain in my leg, as is twice weekly hydrotherapy. Baby seems to love the sensation of being in the pool, she's been extra active the last few visits. I'm also finally able to drop my midday progesterone dose (yay!) as my last reading was over 100, which everyone was thrilled with. Will monitor again in two weeks and go from there.

Hospital follow up to the scan is on Friday, they've asked me to bring in all my scans from my back to make a firm decision about delivery, so I should have a better idea of what to expect by then.

Thanks to those who checked in on me between posts, it is really lovely to know there are people looking our for out little girl x

23 Weeks

Our little mango is the size of a Barbie doll this week according to Ovia. This got me thinking about all of those issues to do with raising girls, gender stereotypes, body image and so on.

More than anything though, this week has seen a huge spike in my anxiety levels. It started with a dream last week that I delivered our girl at 23 weeks, so I guess I have that in the back of my mind. Her movements have also changed this week, which I know is normal at this early stage. She's still kicking just as much, but her quiet times have changed from morning to mid afternoon. I have probably used the doppler more this week than in the last 2 or 3 weeks combined.

I think the main reason though, and this only came out last night while I was talking to hubby about all of this, is that we are so close to the magical 24 week 'viability' goal. I know there is no guarantee after that, but it makes me feel a little better to know that at least they would try to keep her alive. But for these next few days, she's just agonizingly short of that cut off.

I am still not convinced that she's going to be staying with us. It is really hard to plan for a future with her here. I was looking for a photo on my computer the other day when I noticed that none of the videos from our 20 week scan were showing up. Knowing I had deleted them from the USB prior to the last scan, I went into a total meltdown. I was convinced that these few precious videos and photos are the only evidence we will have that our baby girl ever existed and to think that they were gone was too much. Thankfully, it was my fuzzy brain causing the error, not the computer and the files were still there. Still, it shook me how strong those feelings of loss were.

Even as I am in the process of clearing out my office to convert to a nursery, I am still looking at is as decluttering, rather than preparing baby's room. Hubby has convinced me to take the leap and buy a bassinet this week as the one we like is on sale. The only way I am going to manage that is if I buy online, there is no way I can go into a baby store just yet, let alone on my own.

Everything else seems to be going well. My progesterone is still rising, my blood glucose levels are under control and my blood pressure is stable. Here's to making it to 24 weeks!

Talk to me!!

This PAL can be a lonely business.

I have been pretty much left alone since telling friends and family about our little one. With the exception of my mum and nan, and a couple of close friends, no one else even asks how I'm doing, how baby is... even usual pointless texts about random things found on the internet or overheard in the workplace have stopped.

I was having my weekly progesterone test the other day, and the lady who I see every week put into words exactly what I think it is. I have been seeing this lady at the same time every week for the last 12 weeks. She's heard all about how precious this little one is, and her siblings before her. She always worries when I'm late, and when she's away, she has asked people to leave a note to let her know if I have been in.

This week, I was unable to go due to a clash with my hospital appointment, so instead of having the test on the same day but at a completely different time, I had it the following day at the same time. She almost did a little dance when she saw me, and told me now worried she was when she saw that I hadn't been in the day before.

She then said that she would have liked to call or text me, but of course didn't have my number. Then she said that even if she did, she probably wouldn't have called in case something had happened and she would make it worse by calling.

On one hand I understand this. People are awkward around any type of pain, and we don't really know each other that well. On the other hand, I know from experience that there's really nothing anyone can say that will make things 'worse' and in fact being left alone leads to feeling that no one cares - that's a different feeling but just as isolating.

I don't know for sure, but I assume that's what's happening with my family and friends. No one wants to be the one to ask how things are going only to hear that something awful has happened. At the same time, no one wants to send a funny text or picture if they think I am not in the mood for it.

It is so frustrating, because I feel completely alone in this, and it makes me feel that this little girl isn't being celebrated by her family. Her aunties haven't asked anything about her, or me, or her dad. Her cousins aren't keeping in touch. People who I would usually hear from once or twice every week or so haven't been in touch for months.

I try to reach out, I text, I call and ask how things are going with them and I get one word answers and no questions about us. I try to tell without being asked and just get those same one word answers. I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, and things may change in the future, but right now I just feel so alone in all of this.

Why shouldn't this little girl be celebrated by her family just because her siblings before her were lost?