Whether it is men or women, I really hate the generalising that goes on regarding the sexes.
I used to work with my hubby, and whenever I talk about it now, how much I miss it, women say to me, "How could you STAND it? I need my time at work to be away from him!" When we did work together, the girls there, and the women I now work with, consistently complain about their other half and their inability to do anything right. Or on time. Or to the required standard. My hubby is no angel, and there are plenty of things we disagree on or that I wish he would do differently - but I'm not going to whinge about it to a co worker!
When it comes to trying to conceive the generalisations start again. Women are 'baby obsessed' and men are supposedly happy about the regular sex as long as they don't have to know when or why.
I have had enough heartache in my life due to generalisations about men. I didn't marry one of those mythical creatures who want sex every minute of the day, who think about it every 7 seconds, or who put the sexual needs and pleasure of their partner first. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn't because something was wrong with me, or with him. It's just the way he is.
So when it came to TTC, I was really stuck. I knew that the increased frequency would be our first issue. It still is to some extent. I was, and still am, unsure about how much info to give him, and advice varies, but the general wisdom seems to be that the less they know about it the better.
I can't even comment on what it must be like for a sexually active man to think he has the green light for unlimited sex with his partner while TTC, only to be told that it has to be on this day at this time. I can relate to the woman who wishes for unlimited sex, knows that her chances are slim, and has to decide between just trying to get her partner in the mood - or telling him that being in the mood right now is really important! I can comment on the hubby who has little interest in sex, due to work, stress and other reasons, and sees it as perfectly acceptable to turn his wife down repeatedly, and tells her that sex for any reason, let alone TTC, is too much pressure.
I was recently reading an article about "The man's role when TTC" and it got me really angry. I understand from reading his other posts that this man has had a tough time of the TTC journey with his wife, but some of the generalisations made in the article were just too much for me. His 'advice' basically boils down to not including your man in the process at all and 'putting on that sexy little number' to get him in the mood. The whole article seems to imply that men are fragile creatures who can't bear to have to think about or consider anything besides being desired for sex. Is that really how it is? I am certain, from experience, that if I took that path I would never have sex with my hubby again, let alone fall pregnant.
So what do we do? How much do I tell? What do I say? Well, that's something I am still waiting to figure out...
That article, and mind set, irritates me to no end! So not only do women have to carry the baby, ruin their body and risk their life then follow it up with three hourly sleep deprivation as they breastfeed, which also hurts and can wreck your boobs. NOW they have to take all responsibility of learning about the ovulatory cycle, follow it all/etc and take COMPLETE responsibility for getting pregnant - other than having sex once or twice. Ugh that makes me so angry! Men should have just as much responsibility then maybe they would appreciate that bfp just as much and see how big a miracle it is.
ReplyDeleteI told my partner every little detail because if i had to stress out then so should he :P
Thank you so much for sharing, it is reassuring to hear how others are approaching the whole TTC process!
DeleteYou said you told your partner all the details, did he ever tell you how that made him feel? Did it de-sexualise or crush him as this article seems to suggest? Was there anything you needed to change yourself in how you approached the issue of sex in general? Feel free to offer as much, or as little, information as you are comfortable with!
I am still trying to stick to the approach of telling hubby how it is, and answering his questions as honestly as I can whenever he asks.
I told him about cycle days, luteal phase, how long the egg and sperm last, what fertile days are. Only thing i didn't wanna tell him and he didn't wanna know is ewcm - i don't wanna know about his fluids either :P I'm sure he woulda prefered to not know but was ok with knowing. We actually enjoyed the opks because when that second line came up it was like getting 'bingo'! We wouldn't talk about bd that night, kinda giving us the illusion it was 'spontaneous' despite it being completely not.
ReplyDeleteI just asked him and he replied he liked knowing, it made him feel manly feeling he had to 'step up' regardless to whether he felt like it because it was up to him.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and share your approach to this whole TTC business!
DeleteSounds like you took a fairly similar approach to what I have tried. The difference seems to be in the way your partner reacted. You said it made him feel manly, etc - mine seems to think it's too much pressure and it might be easier if I could do it on my own! We'll get there =]