Another day on the rollercoaster

Today we had our first scan.

After confirming an intrauterine pregnancy (yay!) and a gestational sac, we were then told that the sac was only measuring 4w3d and that based on my dates (which were never discussed) was probably a missed miscarriage.

Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. I was told to come back in a week if there had been no bleeding for another scan and to discuss 'options.' I had to practically beg the midwife for an hcg test. At least if the numbers were going down I would know what was coming. She agreed, and we left the hospital fearing that our little one was gone.

In the next few hours, waiting for her to call with the results, I learned some interesting things.

Firstly, the size of the gestational sac is supposed to be based on an average of three measurements from different angles. He only took one. It can also be affected by positioning of the uterus, etc. I know from previous scans that my uterus is tipped backwards. To get correct measurements with a tipped uterus can take some doing. My scan lasted only a matter of one or two minutes, so I can't say how thorough it was.

Secondly, 6.3mm is in the range for 5 weeks, not 4, which is still a little behind where I thought I was but could be attributed to late ovulation and implantation.

I was starting to have a little hope, but knew that it would rest on the hcg levels. My result came back at 3700 and the midwife was really happy. I can't tell you the relief, but also the anger that I felt for putting us through that this morning.

I know we are not out of the woods. My levels are doubling just less than the recommended time (but still going up!) and baby is measuring small... but still there! She has recommended me not to take another hcg test in the meantime as different labs can give different results and she doesn't want me worried for nothing.

So we wait another week on the rollercoaster and maybe next week will bring us more good news. We know that a blighted ovum is still a possibility, but we're choosing to hope that the next scan will show us our growing baby.

Fear, Anxiety and Pregnancy after Loss

After getting my latest blood work back on Thursday, I was ready to feel a little optimistic. Sure, the results weren't quite doubling in 48hrs (we were at about 60), but that's to be expected after a certain point.

Then I woke up Saturday morning.

I still can't put my finger on exactly what it was, but I just didn't feel right. I tried to go about my morning routine, but I was getting more and more anxious. I was shaking madly by the time hubby woke up, he looked at me and assumed the worst and I had to tell him through almost hysterical tears that I was fine but just didn't feel right.

I thought it was just anxiety over reaching the same milestone that saw me in hospital for a previous miscarriage and that getting on with our day as planned would distract me. It didn't work. I kept having the feeling I was bleeding and ran to every public toilet I could find. Then, in the middle of Harvey Norman, I lost it completely when I started cramping.

We went to the car and called the number given to us by the midwife at the Fetal Maternal Assessment Clinic at the hospital where I'm having my scans. Call any time you have a question or a worry, she said. She forgot to mention the part about being closed on weekends. (Why is it that people think emergencies don't happen on weekends?)

We were put through to maternity who said they wouldn't see me before 20 weeks so I should go to emergency and a doctor would see me there.

So we did. We waited 2 hrs for a blood test and then a further hour for the results. I was beside myself the entire time and I can't even find the words to properly explain how loving, kind and patient hubby was even as his anxiety was climbing due to my condition and being in a hospital in the first place.

The results came back at 2278. The nurse was reassuring that the numbers were still rising and that over a certain level they are expected to double more slowly, with 92 hours being the low average. We are at about 88hrs, so on the low side. She then mentioned that other causes for low rising hcg are ectopic pregnancy or blighted ovum. Basically there is nothing more I will know until our scan on Tuesday.

Hang on little one.

Fifth time's the charm?

Yes, after almost 10 months of failure and heartbreak, I am pregnant again! That's one of the reasons it's been a little quiet on the blog lately, the other is everything that goes with buying and moving in to a new house (more on that another time).

I probably should have seen this one coming, but I really didn't. Everything had been going so well, I was enjoying our new little village and walking down to the shops or post office each day, then suddenly, I had zero energy. Even the thought of walking 5 minutes made me feel tired! I just put it down to being run down as I also had a bit of a stuffy nose and a cold sore. Why did I not see this as a huge red flag?! The last time I had a cold sore I was pregnant!

A few days later, the three ladies from school who all had their babies at the end of last year came to visit. It was pretty hard, but I said my hellos and went back to my office for a bit of a cry. I was texting hubby about it and he asked, "Have you checked yourself?" I realised that I was a couple of days late, but just thought it was the metformin messing me around again.

I couldn't get his words out of my head and when I got home, I tested and was greeted with that lovely sight above, Pregant 1-2! I have to be completely honest and say that my first reaction was one of absolute terror. I find it so hard to imagine having a healthy pregnancy and knowing that there is really not all that much I can do about it. I was a nervous ball of energy for the next 30 minutes it took hubby to get home and share the news.

One of the possibilities my specialist wanted to rule out was low progesterone, so I went and had a hcg and serum progesterone test. Then I had to wait for the results. Every pain or pressure felt a thousand times worse and I was sure it was cramps on their way, but so far nothing. No cramping, no spotting, just incredibly sore breasts and nipples, nausea all day and very little appetite.

My progesterone was 55, which I have been told is really high (then I worry about if there is such a thing as too high?) and my hcg at 5w4d was 937. That is the highest number I have ever seen, even though I know it is not particularly high.

Today, at 5w6d my hcg is 1530. Not quite doubled in 48 hrs (tracking more like 60) but once numbers are over 1200 apparently between 72 and 96 hours is normal and as long as they are going up it's good.

We have our first scan next week, at 6w4d. I still break out in a cold sweat thinking of not hearing a heartbeat, etc but trying to be positive. I also guess we'll find out a due date and if my dates are a little out due to late ovulation and I'm not quite as far along as I think.

If I can make it to the scan, it'll be the longest any of my babies has stayed with me. That IS something to look forward to.

Don't even think about it

 

That's how I feel about this time every month.

I think, “I might be pregnant” and then a series of completely irrational thoughts take over. I'm sharing a few of them now in the hope that is anyone else is experiencing thoughts like this they wont feel so alone, or fearful of being called (or feeling) crazy.

First I think, don't get your hopes up. Every time you look forward to something it goes wrong.

Then I think, you're probably not pregnant anyway. After all this time, what are the chances?

Then, even if I am pregnant it doesn't mean anything. The chances of another miscarriage are unbelievably high.

Then, that's probably why you're not pregnant, so negative. Show some faith.

Then, that's probably really why you're not pregnant, God wont bless you with a miracle that you doubt.

Then, what's that got to do with anything? We had sex during my fertile window, we have as much chance as anyone else.

Then, I might be pregnant.

And so it goes.

...

Nothing I could think of seemed an appropriate title for this post.

Yesterday was the estimated due date of our last baby. So that's it, we have now passed that last 'milestone' for want of a better word.

Life has been pretty busy, with all that goes around buying and moving house, so we haven't really had time to reflect too much. I said a little prayer for our angel, and its siblings in heaven, and then got back to packing. 

For some reason, I suppose because 'she' was here longest, our second pregnancy is the one I fixate on. The one whose birthday I think of, whose first Christmas I mourned and whose loss I just can't comprehend. So while I feel like I should be focusing on the baby whose arrival we should have been celebrating yesterday, in the back of my mind all I can think of is the looming 1st birthday that we wont be celebrating.

This probably all sounds terribly depressing but the truth is I am actually doing better at the moment that at any time in the past 18 months.Partly because we have been talking about other options, nothing in depth but just mentioning the possibilities of IVF, adoption and so on, which helps to realise that this might not be the end after all.

What does scare me however is that next month will mark 2 years since we started this crazy journey. I could never have imagined it would turn out like this.