Capture Your Grief: Day 3, In Honour

The prompt for today says...

Who are you doing this project in loving memory of? Share their name. Share their story. Share who they are to you. This is a time to shine a light on your children and tell the world about them.

Not everyone knows that we have lost four babies. The first is a secret to almost all, after all, I thought that's what you did. If you haven't told people you are pregnant, why would you tell them you have had a miscarriage?

Some people only know about the second, and mostly only because I was in hospital. I also felt the need to talk about this little one because I had naively assumed that because I had already had a miscarriage, this time everything would be be fine. There is a photo of hubby and I taken the day before I started bleeding and it makes me cry to look at. I can't believe the pure happiness on our faces, were we really that naive?

A few people know about the third as I was at school when I started bleeding. Having already had a positive test, and pregnancy confirmed by the doctor I will never forget being asked "Are you sure it's not just your period?"

The fourth a few more people know about. I just couldn't believe it had happened again. But still, unlike the time I was hospitalised and everyone wanted to tell everyone else, there was almost a sense of, oh another one ok then.

Two very special people remembered us on Mother's Day and Father's Day. They are two of the few people who know about all our babies and the toll this has taken on us.

This is part of what I find so painful about being around pregnant people. Everyone talks to them about their babies, their hopes and dreams, but no one asks us. We spent hours bonding over those babies (yes, some longer than others) we had talked about when they were due, the time of year that would be, how old they would be by their first Christmas, so many things. Our second baby was due exactly in between both our birthdays and we had talked about how great it would be to have a "Birthmonth" rather than just a birthday.

I know it is impossible to ask for others to honour our babies, they either understand or they don't. But we can honour them in how we live, and also the memory of how their fleeting lives changed ours.

Some people know that I wear a special necklace as a memorial for our babies. It is an iron ore heart that I had used to keep my old wedding ring in. I bought a Pandora heart charm to wear with it, so it is close to my heart and to my wedding ring. Whenever I feel discouraged or overwhelmed I hold on to it. It is enough to ground me, and for now, that's good enough.

For more information on the Capture Your Grief project, see http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2015