I have been pretty much left alone since telling friends and family about our little one. With the exception of my mum and nan, and a couple of close friends, no one else even asks how I'm doing, how baby is... even usual pointless texts about random things found on the internet or overheard in the workplace have stopped.
I was having my weekly progesterone test the other day, and the lady who I see every week put into words exactly what I think it is. I have been seeing this lady at the same time every week for the last 12 weeks. She's heard all about how precious this little one is, and her siblings before her. She always worries when I'm late, and when she's away, she has asked people to leave a note to let her know if I have been in.
This week, I was unable to go due to a clash with my hospital appointment, so instead of having the test on the same day but at a completely different time, I had it the following day at the same time. She almost did a little dance when she saw me, and told me now worried she was when she saw that I hadn't been in the day before.
She then said that she would have liked to call or text me, but of course didn't have my number. Then she said that even if she did, she probably wouldn't have called in case something had happened and she would make it worse by calling.
On one hand I understand this. People are awkward around any type of pain, and we don't really know each other that well. On the other hand, I know from experience that there's really nothing anyone can say that will make things 'worse' and in fact being left alone leads to feeling that no one cares - that's a different feeling but just as isolating.
I don't know for sure, but I assume that's what's happening with my family and friends. No one wants to be the one to ask how things are going only to hear that something awful has happened. At the same time, no one wants to send a funny text or picture if they think I am not in the mood for it.
It is so frustrating, because I feel completely alone in this, and it makes me feel that this little girl isn't being celebrated by her family. Her aunties haven't asked anything about her, or me, or her dad. Her cousins aren't keeping in touch. People who I would usually hear from once or twice every week or so haven't been in touch for months.
I try to reach out, I text, I call and ask how things are going with them and I get one word answers and no questions about us. I try to tell without being asked and just get those same one word answers. I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, and things may change in the future, but right now I just feel so alone in all of this.
Why shouldn't this little girl be celebrated by her family just because her siblings before her were lost?
My family was the same, though to be honest i didn't even want to talk about it at the time in case it jinxed it. My mum told me she was just wishing time away to get to a safe week so she didn't get her hopes up only to be heart broken. Stay strong, everyone's excitement will come :)
ReplyDeleteI hope so. But at the same time...
DeleteMy mum keeps telling me how much she is looking forward to becoming a grandmother. I tell her she already is, she changes the subject. Then days later I hear the same thing again. I made a point of telling her no "first time mum" comments, so we'll see if that sticks!