Capture Your Grief: Day 10 - Words

The prompt for today says:

Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure.

Sometime I feel like I have no words. I have said everything that I can say and there is nothing left to explain the pain, anger, frustration, guilt and loss that I feel. That's how I have been feeling the last few days.

You may notice a gap in the entries, I have missed a few days. I looked at those topics and I had nothing to say. I couldn't find the words. Sometimes I feel like there are too many tings in my head happening all at the same time. The best way I can describe it is like an overhead projector with too many transparencies on the screen and everything is jumbled with bits and pieces showing through.

Some transparencies show pictures of positive pregnancy tests. Some show memories of the losses that followed. Yet others show happy smiling faces reflected in photographs from a time when I was pregnant yet had no idea what was about to happen.  Then there are transparencies which hold memories of heartbreaking conversations, each time I have had to tell my husband of a loss, or tell a family member or friend. Then there are the memories of the support I have found in some, and the rejection I have had from others who cannot comprehend our situation. And right at the bottom of the pile is this picture. It is a photograph I took of my arm after having my contraceptive rod removed. I think that of time and I can't believe what has happened in the 20 months since. I can't believe how naive we were and that we thought that we would maybe even be considering a second child by now, let alone struggling to bring home our first.

All of these things flash through my mind all the time, and I don't have the words to explain to people what it is like to live like this.