And just like that, she's ONE!

With all the fun of baby's 1st Christmas, I totally skipped the 11 month update. It was such an overwhelming time, mourning our lost little one who was due November 4th and could have been one year old the day Squish took her first steps. Christmas will always be a difficult time, imagining what our lives would be like if our first babies had lived, while also celebrating with the little one we were lucky enough to bring home.

And just 11 short days after Christmas, our baby turned one. We had already decided that we wouldn't be having a party. It was so important to us to be able to celebrate our first year as a family with just the three of us, so we took our little baby Shark obsessed toddler to the aquarium. She was so captivated by the creatures in front of her, it was lovely to watch.

She had her first taste of cake, there was no 'smash' as such, she just stuck her head in, face first, for a bite! So funny. Safe to say she's now a sugar addict though, lucky Easter is still a way off so she'll just have to wait for her next hit.

She got a huge amount of Duplo for Christmas and her birthday, it's probably her new favourite toy. She loves swimming and her new paddle pool has been well used with all the heat we have had lately. She sings, she dances, she babbles while she reads her books - she's just a pure delight and I am so very happy that I get to be the one to call her mine.

10 month update!

I can't believe that in less than 6 weeks my baby will be one year old! Everyone tells you that it goes by so quickly, but even that seems an understatement. I was looking for a photo that I thought I had taken recently, turns out it was from when Squish was 11 weeks old! That's MONTHS ago but it seems like only yesterday.

I continue to be amazed by the little person I see growing before my eyes. She's walking everywhere that she can get a hand hold, and crawling everywhere else. She talks non-stop all day and has even started singing. No idea what she is talking about most of the time but it is super cute.

She loves reading and will sit and read books to herself, turning the pages backwards and forwards, occasionally still taking a bite from the corner of the book. We still go to story time at least once a week and were lucky enough to go with a friend and her 11 week old for her very first story time.

She still loves the pool and is enjoying water play at home. She's getting a paddling pool for Christmas and she has even started having showers by herself! Mum sits right beside the door of course, for safety and for the actual washing, but she gets in herself and gets out when she's done. So clever!

We were in the city for an appointment so used the chance to swing by the Myer Christmas windows. She was absolutely enthralled by the lights, movement and colour. I have to admit I got a little teary seeing her with her dad and thinking how blessed we were to finally have a baby to share traditions like this with.

It is so hard to believe that this time last year I was preparing for a baby shower that I thought I shouldn't have because there was no possible way I would actually get to keep this little one. And now here we are preparing for her first Christmas and her first birthday. Amazing!

Finger Paint!

Finger Painting! I had been looking forward to this for the longest time! I knew that I wanted to wait until Squish had started solids, there was a more than even chance the paint was going to end up in her mouth at some point! I also knew that I wanted to make my own paint, but didn't want to use fruit or vegetable based 'edible' paints at a time when Squish would still be working out what was food and what wasn't.

I followed a simple recipe that uses only cornflour, water and food colouring. as you can see, we only needed the tiniest drop of colouring to give us some vibrant colours. I was a little worried about colours staining her hands, but in the end it was just a little of the blue colour around her fingernails.

We covered the entire area in a towel and I had her stripped down to just her nappy. I had considered using a sleeved bib, but they're all too big on her and I didn't want the sleeves trailing through the paint, I wanted to see those cute little finger prints! 

I just plopped a blob of each colour on to the canvas and let her go at it. She kept swiping and mushing away for quite a few minutes. Then once she reached for her mouth I grabbed her up and took her straight to the bath.

She loved every second of it and I want wait to do it again. We also have water painting on the list of things to try once the weather warms up a little more!

9 Month Update!

Well, we passed 38 weeks and 1 day, baby has officially been on the outside longer than she was on the inside! :D

She's crawling around and getting into everything! We have made her bedroom a "Yes" space - she can play in there independently and there is nothing for us to say "No" to within her reach. We also had to get a gate for the kitchen, strange but as we installed it I actually felt like a parent for the first time!

There will be a lot of other firsts this month, too. She's about to go on her first plane trip (super nervous for this one!) and go to her first "Show" when we visit her grandparents.

She's talking a lot, she says dadada the most, and will say it almost all day, but she also seems to associate it with her dad. If I ask, 'Where is Dada?' she looks at him, or for him if he's not home. She only seems to say mamama when she's complaining about something!

We have been putting seeds out in the courtyard for the birds and she loves sitting and watching them. They are getting used to her and don't fly away when she flaps around or screeches out to them. She's fascinated by the dogs we see when we go for out nightly walks, and videos of cats meowing (thanks Dad) crack her up.

We're back in to swimming and looking forward to going with Dad again as he's on holidays for two weeks. Lots more family adventures to come!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, 2017

This day is so important to us, and to many bereaved parents. It is a day for honoring the memories of little ones lost, and for trying to break the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

I have posted many times in the past about this topic, and now, parenting after loss is bringing a whole new perspective to this date. I often look at our little one and think about the siblings she sill never meet. She could have had a big brother or sister two years older than her. How would they be together? Would they look alike? Would they play together or antagonise each other? How would our lives as parents be different with two instead of one? It's even possible, given the timing of our losses, that she could have two older siblings, what would THAT look like for us?

And then I get to thinking that if we hadn't lost those babies, maybe we would never have had her. Our little Squish might never have been born due to spacing gaps between siblings or a whole range of other issues that can come with bringing home a baby.

Parenting after loss can bring such guilt too. There have been so many times when we have been struggling with sickness, sleep deprivation or simply not knowing how to ease our little one or what she needs, that we have been cross with her or with each other. And then to feel such guilt for not always being 'happy' with our little miracle. We love her more than anything, but she's still a baby! And babies can be a challenge!

If you are grieving the loss of a little one, our thoughts are with you. Especially to those who suffer in silence and have not told their friends or family about their loss. love and hugs to you x

Picture from Luminous Light Studio