When is a negative not a negative?

Nothing is ever going to be straightforward for us in this process, that much is clear.

After my super faint BFP on Monday, which turned out the be the day AF was due (I should check my dates more carefully!) I had light spotting that night, twice. I was so terrified of losing another baby that I spent all day Tuesday in bed, and then Tuesday night more spotting.

We visited the doctor on Wednesday and went through "the Plan' I was concerned that she wasn't able to prescribe the progesterone to me as the specialist recommended and that the Early Pregnancy clinic, who could prescribe, didn't want to see me until a scan at 6wks. She sent me off for hcg and progesterone testing, and a couple of extra forms for follow-up tests if the spotting continued.

No more spotting all of Wednesday, but then this morning, about 6am, I woke to a huge amount of bleeding, lucky that I had (for some unknown reason) worn a pad to bed. Came back to bed to tell hubby the news and it's so heartbreaking to hear the devastation in his voice. "How many more times can we go through this?" he whispered. More bleeding over the next couple of hours and then... NOTHING.

I was expecting a call from the doctor with the results of my tests from yesterday, and hoping for good news. If the numbers were high, then maybe the bleeding was ok. She told me the hcg result was 2. 2!! Technically not pregnant. I asked her about the heavy, but limited bleeding. She admitted that it wasn't normal, but more than likely a miscarriage due to the blood work. She has advised that I go back for the next blood test anyway, just to confirm. Especially if there is no more bleeding.

So now I just wait. Wait for more bleeding, wait for a blood test, wait for the results.

I still 'feel' pregnant, but with an hcg result that low, I guess it's more psychological than physical. I spoke to my mum about this and just confused the situation even more. Apparently with my youngest sister she didn't get a positive test until she was almost 12 weeks! She had told them she was pregnant but due to bleeding at 4 and 8 weeks they didn't believe her. So this gives me hope. False hope maybe, but right now I'll take what I can get.

Scared, and that's all there is to it

I have been meaning to post for the last week or so, but life gets in the way.

First, I was going to post about our experience at the early miscarriage clinic and what the specialist plans to do for us.

Then I was going to post about being the crazy TTC lady who finds herself squeezing her boobs to see if they are really sore or not as she the end of the TWW.

Now, instead, I am posting about our latest BFP. This one is so new that even hubby doesn't know, as he's due home from work within the hour. All I have done is stare at the test, cry, make a doctors appointment for Wednesday, and go back to staring and crying.

Anyone who has been following our story probably knows that the reason I am scared is due to the prospect of another miscarriage. Although the specialist told us exactly what their plan for us is if I was to fall pregnant again, I haven't done any of the tests he recommended (I am booked in for a 3D uterus ultrasound next week) and so I feel that whatever has caused the last losses is still there, therefore I will probably lose this pregnancy too.

I should be happy, and I envy every woman who has ever gazed at those two pink lines and felt nothing but joy. Instead, I am scared. I'm even dreading telling hubby because I don't want him to feel the way I am feeling now.

I have a day to wait before I can get in to see the doctor. I have a day of stressing and waiting for the cramps that signal the arrival of AF. After that, who knows what will happen?

What not to say to someone struggling with infertility

I have written a bit about this in the past, especially the niceties offered after our miscarriage (the one that people know about) but saw this link posted on the Essential Baby TTC#1 thread and thought it worth sharing.

http://offbeatfamilies.com/2012/04/talking-about-infertility

That's all. I know many of the people reading this blog already know all these things, but it might be something you need to share with others. Pass it on.

The results are in...

All our tests are back and the results are all clear. Which is great, but has left me feeling a little more lost. There's nothing in any result so far to suggest a reason for our recurrent early losses.

I'm also struggling with the fact that yesterday should have been my last day of work before beginning maternity leave following the school holidays. All our losses have had an impact, but the little one that I carried the longest has left the biggest mark. I look at all the growing tummies and beautiful babies that are posted on my instagram feed every day. I am so happy for these lovely ladies and their families, but there are times when it just hurts so much.

I cried all the way home in the car. The day had been ok, I thought I would manage, but as the final bell rang and everyone started calling, "See you in two weeks!" it all hit home. Yep, I'd be back in two weeks, not finally getting started on the nursery, the hospital bag or all those countless other things that women on maternity leave apparently get up to.

I'm also getting a little tired of people telling me not to worry and that it'll be our turn soon. Maybe it will, but should that make the pain of loss any less? And what if it isn't? What if further tests show that we are one of those statistically infertile couples? Then what platitudes will these people offer?

So what's next? Our lovely new doctor has referred our case to the local hospital clinic. Unfortunately, having no private health insurance, we just wait to hear back from them regarding an appointment. She feels that they may bump us up the queue as we were there for the miscarriage. Alternatively, if we do fall pregnant again before then, they'll see us immediately.

We know that's not going to be any time soon, due to the recent arrival of AF. Right on time as usual. It sounds so bizarre to say, but I knew I wasn't pregnant this time. I'm starting to get a bit of an idea of what my body feels like in the days after around 7DPO when I am pregnant, and I felt none of that this time. As usual I held out a little hope, everyone says that every pregnancy is different, so there's always a chance... but it wasn't to be. So roll on April.

We didn't even talk this year about not trying during April to avoid a Christmas baby. Looking back on all those conversations, even though we kept trying in the end anyway, just seems so frivolous. If the choice came down to no baby, or a baby born around Christmas, I know what I would choose. A child in our home, in our arms, would be the greatest gift of all.

What to do when you don't know what to do

I haven't updated for a while but it's Sunday and I'm home alone so now seems as good a time as any!

Things have been pretty rough. Passing the 12 month mark has really kicked us around and add to the mix another early loss. The week before, I had visited my GP for the first time since she confirmed my pregnancy in September last year. I saw her look at the notes regarding my miscarriage on the screen and she said nothing. Strike one. I was seeing her regarding a hard to shift chest cold/cough that I have had since the beginning of the year and all she recommended was wait and see if it goes away. Strike two. I also mentioned that I was finding it difficult to lose the weight that I had put on following my miscarriage and that returning to work had made things trickier, her advice was to quit my job. Strike three.

Really, we have been talking about changing doctors for a while. The only thing tying me to this doctor was the fact that it is super close to work meaning I can go before or after school, and that she knows my history of the last 10 years or so meaning I don't have to go over it all again. But neither of us were really impressed with her seeming lack of empathy or advice for our situation. Even when I mentioned that it was 6 months since the miscarriage and that maybe it was time for further investigation, she told me not to worry for another 6 months.

So when I lost another pregnancy the following week we decided it was time to take the plunge and see a new doctor. Couldn't be happier with the result! The new doctor took one glance at our history and sent us off for a whole lot of tests right away. She thinks that the fact I fall pregnant seemingly easily is quite encouraging and that many of the causes of recurrent early loss are relatively easy to treat. That was new to us. She was also encouraged that my cycle is pretty much like clockwork and that this was another positive sign. She also suggested karyotype tests for both of us to rule out chromosomal problems, something that we had never been told of before. All in all, I had 8 phials of blood drawn! It was supposed to be 12, but the nurse rang her lab to check that she could double up on a few of them. We are still waiting for the results as the karyotype takes a couple of weeks, but we both have a bit more optimism knowing that SOMETHING is being done!

We have also just passed our fertile window for this month and the change in hubby since coming off anti-depressants has continued. We managed the 2 days before ovulation, O day, and 2 days after, same as the last successful cycle. We shall see.